Hurting
by CatchingStar
Summary: Sara thought she was alone but that was not entirely true. Catherine and Sara fic. Mention of rape and murder.


**Disclaimers: **Csi is property of CBS.

Sara sat at the bench from the locker room and let the tears fall toward her cheeks. She had fought really hard along the shift for this not to happen, but now it had ended and she didn't even have strength to wait get home.

Why did he do this to her? Why couldn't Grissom stop cases like this get into her hands? He knows how much abuses case breaks her heart, they talked about it after the big fight between Catherine and Sara last year. But apparently he didn't care about her. He keep sending her into the hell that was be alive back in the past and no matter how hard she tries to stay focus, unemotional, unattached to the new victim she just can't. Is too much to bear and she doesn't have anyone to help her through this. To tell her what she always wanted to hear.

'It's ok. I got you. You don't have to be alone'.

The sound of someone's coming, brought Sara back to where she was and she got up as fast as she could, hiding her face on the locker.

"Hey there…" said Catherine entering. "I though you had already left"

Sara answered with a nod not trusting her voice. That's another thing her parents had taught - besides that she wasn't worth anyone love - always pretend everything is fine. But Sara didn't want to pretend anymore. Not to Catherine but she feared the blond would never act with the love she shows to Warrick and Grissom.

Closing the locker, she shot a friendly smile to the blond and walk away, but before she could reach pass the door, she felt Catherine hand on her arm. Her all body got weak at the simple touch and the tears got back with full force.

"Catherine, please… I need to go" Sara said in a whisper.

"Not until you look into my eyes and tell everything is ok"

"And why do I have to do that, hum, because as far as I know, you are not my mother or anything?" Sara said harsh. Catherine let go her arm and Sara was ready to hear her shoot that never came.

"You right. I'm not" Sara eyes looked at the blond in sock. Something was off with this picture. Usually Catherine would start shooting if someone talked to her like that, especially her and now she is calm, and almost hurt. "You may not believe me Sara, but I'm really concern about you and the true is… I never forgive myself for shooting at you that time. I should have talked and tried to help, as friends do but I didn't and I don't want to make the same mistake again".

"Did Grissom tell you anything?" Sara asked confused.

"You mean about the case?" Catherine said with an eyebrow up "No, I found out with Nick"

"Oh, right, ok"

"So… are you really ok?" The honest and caring was vivid in the blond blue eyes and Sara got lost of them debating what she should do now. Her head said it will be to painful to open up about her past and she should just walk away and not bother Catherine, while her heart screamed to trust the blond and that maybe things could get better from now on between them. They could really be friend if not… lovers.

Making a final decision, Sara looked to the floor and moved her head side to side.

"Can we… go somewhere to talk or just…I don't know… have a coffee?"

"Sure, we can go to my place, if it's ok". Sara took a deep breathe and nodded. Be with to much people wouldn't help right now. Catherine grabbed her purse and they went to the parking lot. Unlocking the car, Catherine held the passenger door to Sara.

"Wait! Lindsey. Is she…"

"At my sister and will go to the school from there." Sara let out the breathe she was holding and turned to enter the car. She watched as Catherine walked around do the same, smiling.

She started the engineer and Sara rested her head at the window and stood looking to the city, although she wasn't really paying attention. As for Catherine she was looking at the road and every now and than to Sara to see everything was ok, she could feel the blue eyes on her and feel the butterflies in her stomach.

'This has nothing to do with her wanting to sleep with you' Sara told to herself. 'Is about your miserable past, unfortunately'

She didn't even realize she had felt asleep until Catherine's hand was squeezing her shoulder soft.

"We are here" Sara unlocked the seatbelt and followed the blond to the front door. "I'll put some comfortable clothes, ok? Be back in a few. You can sit and make yourself comfortable"

"Ok. Thanks"

It wasn't the first time she was at Catherine's place, but Sara took her time looking at the pictures at the TV movable and besides the couch. Taking a sit, she picked one with Catherine, Lindsey, a woman that seemed just like Catherine but with brown hair and a little boy in the beach. They seem very happy when the picture was taken.

"Lindsey's dream is having a beach house. She just loves sand and water" Catherine said announcing her presence.

"She says this because she doesn't have any idea how hard it is to keep the house clean"

"How do you… I though you are from San Francisco"

"I lived in Tamale Bay, California all my childhood and only after I was accepted at Berkeley University I moved to San Francisco"

"I see. I'll make some coffee and you can make me company if you want" Catherine said with a smile that almost made Sara jump off the couch. "It would be nice to go to California one day"

"I can indicate a few places that are not expensive"

"That will be great. Lindsey will love you even more if you came with us. She told me you were very helpful after Eddie died and you still talk to her every now and than, she totally adores you".

"She is an amazing kid, just like her mother"

"Thank you Sara" Catherine said giving the cup of coffee.

"Thanks and I'm just being honest Cat. Everyone who has you as part of the family is a very luck person" Sara smiled and took a sip of the coffee before went back to the living room.

Catherine followed and they sit comfortable at the couch one and it side and drink the coffee in silence. Sara didn't look to Catherine in the eye anymore, just to her coffee.

"The reason why abuse cases are so… tough for me is because… I not only grow up in the middle of this, seeing my father beaten my mother because he was too drunk, but I was abused too" Sara started. "By mother because she didn't want a second child, even less a little girl, so she blamed me for everything that happened in the house and by father as well. He started drinking after he got fired from the company. He did it almost every night and sometimes my mother didn't like that, or answered in the wrong way, and they fight. She woke up with bruises the next day. One night, after the fight was over, I tough he would just leave the house as always, but instead he… came to my room".

"How old were you?"

"Ten"

"My god Sara"

"He started talking about how woman should behave with men and asked me to take my pajamas off. I said 'no'." she continued. One tear run through down her cheek and Sara fast whipped her away. "He hit me pretty hard on the face and I lose my balance, falling toward the bed. He took the clothes himself and start touching… everywhere… and I knew I couldn't move much less scream so I wait. I wait and wait… feeling the worse pain someone can feel until he finally stop".

"Did you went to the hospital or tell anyone?"

"No. I didn't want to risk him to find out. I went to school, watch the class and pretend everything was ok like they taught me."

"Damn! They were supposed to protect you at any cost not doing all that. If Eddie ever touched Lindsey I would have kill him"

"No you wouldn't!" Catherine looked at her with surprise and angry float inside those blue eyes, but Sara knew she was right so she continue. "You always say Lindsey is your life and if that is true, as I think it is, you would never risk leaving her without both parents. You could scream, get pissed and even call the cops, but never, ever, became a murder like she did" She watched as the angry slowly was replaced by acceptance and love inside Catherine's eyes. She got up from the couch and walk toward the window. She was exhausted but knew she still had one more thing to tell.

"It was raining that night. He came to my room after my mother was sleeping but she woke up to get some water and we didn't hear her coming. Saw him raping me and she got so pissed. Not because what he was doing but because he had said 'no' to her that night. He had chosen me!" Sara said closing her arms in front of her body. "I followed them downstairs, don't ask me why but I did and it was a very bad choice. They were yelling big words until she… she… stab him with a knife from the kitchen counter, over and over and only stop because she was too hurt and tired to continue." The tears start to fall and a sob escape for her throat and there was nothing more she could do to stop breaking down.

Because of the tears blurring her vision, Sara missed Catherine's movements until she was pushed for a hug. For the first Sara didn't struggle to free herself, instead closed both arms behind the blonds back and cry harder.

"How could they do this me Cat?" she asked between the sobs.

"I don't know sweetie"

"I was just a kid and I did everything they want but they keep hurting me I try so hard to forget his socked expression, the blood on the floor, over the wall and her clothes but I can't!"

"The only way is if you stop blaming yourself" Catherine said after awhile, her voice soft and convicted.

"What?" Sara ask letting go.

"You believe you were responsible for what happen that night. That you could have done something to stop your mother from pick that knife and kill him. But that's where you are wrong."

"But he chose me!"

"Because he wanted to fuck someone and you were right there! He didn't even have to leave the house to get what he wanted Sara! And I'm sure you never give him any indication that you want that"

"Of course not! I hated him!"

"And had every right to, after all they suppose to love and protect you at any cost, not hurt you. But tell me, what would have happen if you step in middle, a little kid against an adult holding a knife?" Sara didn't answered but think about it. "And more important, it would make a difference to him if that happen or he would still be dead or bleeding to death?"

"I read the reports and the time of death and the time the cops came was close, which means he died fast"

"You were a kid and it was the first time you saw a murder so even if you have done something…"

"I would be more hurt and he still would be dead" Sara said looking at Catherine with a smile on the face. "I never though about that"

"Guilty is a very bad thing Sara. It makes you blind to other possibilities besides the one you think is right. Sometimes it isn't"

"Guess you are right"

"I know I am. And I'm sorry you had to face everything alone Sara. You didn't deserve it." Catherine said putting a few hairs behind Sara's ear. "Thank you for sharing this with me. Now I can finally say I understand you"

"Thank you Cat. You have no idea how important it is for me having this conversation with you of all people" Catherine smile happy. Sara looked from her eyes to the so invited lips. Will a kiss ruin everything? "I better get going now" she said blushing. "Thank you again"

"Wait, no, please. Stay here tonight". The blond said grabbing Sara's arms just like back in the lab.

"What?"

"Lindsey is sleeping at my sister so you can even choose a bed if you want, mine or hers. I don't want you to stay alone tonight"

"I appreciate Cat, really, but you already did too much for me for one day and I don't want to bother"

"You won't. Please, let me be here for you a little more"

Sara's heart wanted to say yes and stay not just tonight but forever if it was possible, but Catherine didn't love her like that so stay there, just wishing things happen wouldn't be the best situation. At the same time going home she will be completely alone.

"Ok"

"Great. Do you prefer have a nice and warm bath and eat or the other way around?"

"Is there a third option?"

"Sleep, but I will have to make something for me to eat so will no be a problem. I'm not use to stay without food for too long like someone I know" Sara tried to pretend being hurt but that only make them laugh even harder and God that felt good.

After prepare a big sandwich and get some passion juice, the two went back to the living room. Catherine took a sit closer to the arm of the couch and this time instead of Sara sitting at the opposite, she sat beside the blond. They exchange smiles and Catherine turned on the TV.

"This is good" the blond said. "Being able to sit and eat on the couch and I can't do this often because Lindsey will never want to eat on the table again"

"I confess I don't remember the last time I arrange the table" Sara answered. "Well, there isn't a point on doing for one has it?"

"So you do eat at home?" Catherine joked.

"Yeah, I do. Not often but… The true is I don't like being completely alone. Not that I need to chat, but just be surrounded by people is nice"

"Anyone in particular you like to be close to, maybe Grissom or Greg or…"

"You"

"Me?" Sara nodded. "But I'm always a bitch toward you, which by the way I'm terrible sorry"

"You are not a bitch, just think you are always right and while the guys don't argue with you - even if they disagree - I do. But you could just ignore me when I do that and eventually I would had stop trying to make you believe me"

"It's impossible to ignore you Sara" The young csi looked at her with confusion. "You don't have a clue, do you? About the effects you have at other people… Sara, everyone liked you sense the beginning"

"You didn't"

"It's completely different! I felt threatened by you, they didn't".

"What? How?"

"I had to work so hard to make them like me, trust me and my intelligence and suddenly, out of nowhere, appear someone younger, with major degree in physic, my boss trusted you more than at me, and if it wasn't enough, you still have to be a very attractive woman. How could an ex-stripper compete with you and actually win?" Sara opened her mouth to respond, but Catherine continues "What I didn't know at the time was that you weren't there to compete with anyone, just do your job."

"Yes"

"Than you stay an even Warrick, who don't speak much or jokes around woman inside the lab, became your friend in days and don't forget, you were investigating him. My two best friend were hooked by the sexy and mysterious Sara Sidle"

"You… you think I'm… sexy?"

"Let me see: expressive eyes, beautiful gap tooth smile, skinny and legs to die for… yeah, definivetely!"

"Well, that is very, hum, unexpected" Sara said putting the plate at the table.

"People usually like to hear an accomplishment but you don't seem happy" said Catherine seriously.

"But I am. God, how can I not be coming from the person I admire and envy the most?"

"So what's the catch? You liked but you don't believe me or I don't know?"

"There is no catch Catherine"

"Than explain to me Sara because I never feel bad at saying something like that before and I sure don't like the feeling" Sara turned her body to Catherine but didn't make eye contact.

After opening and closing her mouth and not saying anything, Sara decided to show it. She lean further and pressed her lips at Catherine's. At first the blond didn't respond but than to Sara's surprise and delight Catherine's right hand went inside the hair and she started kissing back, soon asking for entrance. Sara open shortly and the tongues match. It was overwhelming because Catherine pushed Sara up and both lay down on the couch without stopping the kiss. Sara's hand went to the blond tight and up inside her shirt wining a moan from the blond throat. Catherine pulls her mouth away, breathing hard.

"It would be too painful to know you think I'm sexy and smart but doesn't like me to actually be with me" Sara said "Did I make myself understandable? Because I can try again and…" Yes, she could if Catherine didn't have any other plans and this time was Sara's turn to moan.

"I have been wishing for this to happen for some time now and knowing that only Grissom could actually do this was too painful. I never been so jealous in my entire life" Catherine said without stopping.

"I never kissed Grissom or planned to be with him in a romantic way".

"Really?"

"Really. It has always been you"

"Always?" Catherine asked making their eyes met. Sara blushed hard and it was all Catherine needed to know. "Damn. We waste so much time thinking instead of…"

"Enjoying?" The blond nod. "Well, we can start now if you want"

"I though you were tired after all that talk and crying thing"

"Not anymore. But I still want that warm and nice bath with you as my company"

"Than let's go" Said Catherine trying to get up but almost throwing Sara on the floor. Sara started laughing and Catherine blushed hard, but before she could ask sorry, Sara was kissing her and pulling both up.

Sara had never slept so peacefully in a long, long time. She mumbled something strange and tried to turn around, but something stopped her, something rigid. Opening the eyes slowly she looked beside to the white and most beautiful face on earth and she couldn't hold the smile. She signed deeply and was almost back to sleep when a hand start moving in circles on her belly button, sending a shiver through her body and consequences to one part in specific. Not knowing if Catherine was conscious or not, she bit her lips holding a moan.

"Good morning" a soft voice whispered on Sara's ear.

"A good morning indeed" without open her eyes Catherine started tracing kisses at the other woman neck and down to the shoulder.

"You skin is soft and taste so good, did I told you that?"

"A few times yes" Sara laughed. "And you too taste amazing" The blond pulled her body on top of Sara and looked in the eyes.

"You should laugh more often. It's a beautiful sound" the comment made Sara laugh again. "So beautiful" she whispered above her lips.

The lips and tongue met again for an amazing sex dance and only stop when the air became essential. This time Sara was the first to stop.

"Thank you" she said looking down but than away from Catherine's beautiful breasts.

"Hey, it's ok. Let it out"

"I don't want too, I don't like get emotional"

"I know but it happens to all of us and it's good when it is with someone you trust and that it won't leave, no matter what. You don't have to be alone anymore Sara, never again." Sara nodded, the tears falling. There it was the so expected words and from the mouth of the one she is madly in love with.

What else does she need?

**The End**

**Ps. **if you find another fanfic written by me with the same object, in this case Sara's past, you are not going mad. I like to write what comes to my mind and sometimes the subject is the same but not the situation.  
Ps. My fics don't have a sequence or depend of the one written before.


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